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  isSUE3                   `  `$$  dISCRETE cONVULSIONS
--------------------------------------------------------------

EDiTORiAL                    by Maestro Monteverdi, chancellor
--------------------------------------------------------------
We  received a lot of very upset  reactions on issue 2 of this
magazine.  The  readers were  especially angry with Mohammed's
and  Arturo's styles, which reflected  a lot of aggression and
readiness  to  use  violence,  fortunately  only verbally. The
European Community has even announced to boycot this magazine.
Especially  Jacques Chirac was really  full of rage because we
dared  to  publish his feedback on  issue  1 of this magazine.
Chirac:  "I  thought that this journal  was  a joke! But now I
have  seen you are meaning it seriously, and I do not like it!
Apart  from  all  the propaganda  you  are  making against the
consumption  of  frogs,  your  journal  is  fully  in  English
language  (with  a  few  pashtu  words,  of  course).  This is
ridiculous!  Serious  journals have to  be in French." William
Jefferson  Blythe  also  complained  about  issue  2  of  this
magazine.  He  said  that there  were  "way  too many spelling
errors".  This is perhaps a very  original reaction, but he is
right.  Therefore  we  have decided  to  radically  change the
concept  of  this  magazine.  First of  all,  we  are  a fully
democratic  staff  now. We have no  main  editor, but we (Abu,
Afghanbashi,   Arturo,   Mohammed,  Pedro   and  me)  elect  a
parliament, and the chief of the strongest party in parliament
has  to form a government with  a majority in parliament. This
time,  my party, the Movement for Justice and Peace, succeeded
in  the vote, and I became chancellor. But I did not have more
than  fifty percent, so I had to form a coalition. In the end,
I  formed  a  coalition  with  the  parties  of  Abu (Pashtuna
National   Party),  Afghanbashi  (Liberal  Democratic  Party),
Mohammed  (Socialist  Party) and  Pedro (Anarchist Party). Abu
became minister of the interior, Afghanbashi foreign minister,
Mohammed minister for education and cultural affairs and Pedro
minister of finance. Arturo with his Revolutionary Cynic Front
for  Change  in  the  Sense of  Syncretism  is  the  leader of
opposition.  This  does  not mean he  does  not  belong to the
staff,  no, of course he does. You ask what the sense of these
elections  is,  what  you  have to  do  as  a  minister of the
interior in an e-mag for example? It is simple! The chancellor
coordinates the works of the ministers, he is the manager. The
minister of the interior deals with problems in the staff. The
foreign  minister is to communicate with the readers regarding
general topics on the magazine. The minister for education and
cultural  affairs  is  to keep up  a  certain  culture in this
magazine.  Mohammed  has had some  lessons on civilization and
political culture before getting this job, so he now knows how
to  behave  and  how others have  to  behave.  The minister of
finance  tries to keep the mag short  enough so that it is not
so  big  and can be uploaded  and downloaded fast, thus saving
money. Finally, the leader of opposition's job is to criticize
us  during the process of making  the magazine. In this way we
can  already anticipate what readers could criticize and hence
avoid that they have anything to criticize. But we do not have
to  consider Arturo's complaints  because even without support
of  his  party, we have a  vast majority in parliament. All in
all  I  find  this idea of  organizing  an  e-mag original and
innovative.  Hopefully this magazine will  benefit from it. By
the  way,  you  will not find  any  holy  pashtu words in this
issue.  This  is because I am  a  secular politician and think
that  religion and state should not  be mixed up. I think that
our  one and only will not  be upset with us nevertheless. You
are  also free to read this  magazine with or without the holy
Afghan  colours.  We  do not care  any  longer. Of course this
might  change  if Mohammed wins the  next elections, but it is
still  some  time until they  will  take place. Another thing:
Mohammed  still wants to become  president of the e-mag scene.
If  you want to support him, fill in the votesheet attached to
this magazine and send it to us. If he is president, he cannot
become  chancellor.  Maybe this will  motivate you to vote for
him. In any case, happy reading.

OUR READERS REACT             by Afghanbashi, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I  find  it  great that I  can  speak freely again! Freedom of
speech  is  good  and therefore  also  the readers shall speak
freely.
"The  new design is good, but  I criticise that you don't have
an  interface.  With  an  interface,  your  mag  would be even
better!  Maybe you could do it in the c64 style! That would be
best!" - Cavik
"Great work as always. I hope you're all wearing a large smile
after putting together 2 magazines!" - dataman
"hm...  good job, really. i also read the articles in pashtuna
langua.  unfortunately i didn't understand very much.... (just
kidding) hehe" - Rispock
"this  is  what i call a  scene  production with FEELING. well
done." - Eprom
"When  i  read  afghano #1 i  thought  'woah,  does it get any
better?'  with afghano#2 you showed me it can be MUCH better."
- Garton
"Afghano  2  is AWESOME! :) The  best you ever had. Really." -
Le Roi
"I  downloaded  it, I ran it and  it was cool. Some people say
that  the  articles are boring, but  I  don't think so, I love
them,  they are many of them  from different people, with very
interesting discussions." - Soomitop
"your e-mag rulez! best one since schwugi on c-64" - noolat
"I love your mag." - Nylemunn Shlkin, 13 years old.
"afghano is great, well done." - SodaRap
"what a cool design on this new afghano issue..." - sajaz
We  also got some other reactions but Monteverdi already wrote
about them in the editorial so I will not write anything about
them here.

ABOUT LiBERTY      by Mohammed Napolon, minister of education
--------------------------------------------------------------
Liberty  is one of the most  important goods of a man. Liberty
allows  him  to make e-mags! Liberty  is very good stuff. Only
with  liberty  you  can  make  political propaganda! Therefore
liberty  is very good. I am an adherent of liberty, with not a
single restriction! I am for liberty for 100 percent! Liberty,
that's  the best thing in the  world. Without liberty, I could
not  become president of the e-mag scene! And I want to become
president  of  the  e-mag  scene. You  vote  for  me,  me, me,
certainly?  I hope so. Good. You have the liberty to vote. You
know, liberty is if you understand that what you do or is done
to you is necessary. It is a necessity to vote for me!

NATiONAL CORNA               by Abu Gaza, minister of interior
--------------------------------------------------------------
Manibu  mi na satunim, ne eske peske sa ne menuhim. Nelokom si
kandahar  indisaniej  kol  somiel mane  sare  ale  basko, nemi
simije  nas komatim. Solta english  samuleti maga, num se menu
som roperi.

MONEY AFFAiRS                       by Pedro, finance minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I  have spent much time, not much money, on the problem, well,
how  to  gain  money. I had the  idea  then that we gain money
automatically  if we enslave ourselves and it becomes more and
more  if we just to not spend it. A great invention has hit my
head,  the  invention  of doing  economies,  of  saving money,
instead  of  saving  time. This is  the  reason why I am still
using  a  9600  bps modem because  it's  simply cheaper than a
14400  bps modem and time on the other hand is not saved as on
the  contrary  I  need to be  online  longer. Now you ask what
about phone costs! This is a real problem, this is something I
have  not thought of, because due to my low intelligence I did
not  know  that  time is money,  but  I  now know, Afghanbashi
taught me it. It would really be better if my country had been
made  a  part of Russia because in  Russia they do not have to
pay  money  per  time for phoning,  yes,  in  Russia, "time is
money" is not correct.


                                 REVOLUTION!!!

                           It can't go on like that!
               eL aFGHANO was founded as a mag that doesn't care
                         about political correctness!
                      It's bad to impose this on us now!
                  We will no longer support this government!

                         ARTURO UI is our new leader!



SECOND EDiTORiAL              by ARTURO UI, chief of the junta
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hello  all! Now you see! We have a new government, this is us,
me, yes, me has formed the government. The opposition has won.
Viva  la revolution! The contradictions between the ruling and
the  serving  classes have reached  their climax and now we've
installed  the  dictatorship  of  the  proletariate. Greetings
first  to  the glorious cosmopolitian  Joschka  Fischer of the
party  with the colour of our one and only who said, "I prefer
Molotow  cocktails  over cocktail parties!"  This  is a truely
socialist revolution, in the truest meaning of the word. Well,
actually  you may be surprised a  bit, why? because I'm called
ARTURO  UI, and if you know  Bertolt Brecht, you probably also
know he wrote a play called "The stoppable rise of Arturo Ui",
and  Arturo  Ui is a pseudonym  for a very bad politician. But
I'm  of course not the same Arturo Ui as him, this Brecht's Ui
is  FAKE!! I'm a socialist ARTURO UI (mind the spelling!), I'm
the leader of the "Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the
Sense  of Syncretism" as Monte (you suck!) has already stated,
so  nothing bad at all, we're the true hail of the folk... eh,
we're  the glory of the people,  that's what I meant. You ask,
why?  Well we is me... and  our co-ministers, who are: Y0SHK@,
WL@DiMiR  ILYiCH,  Y0SiP, Li0NiD, MiCH@iL  and  P0L! You don't
know  em? Well, the reason is simple! They haven't written for
eL  aFGH@N0 yet coz they fought in the underground, and as you
see  we  are upperground. Otherwise  we  wouldn't upload every
issue  to  finnish and german ftp  servers and propagate it on
the Usanet! Well, now they are a bit more upperground too. The
former government is still alive, for those of you whom it may
concern,  they are now our  slaves! Monte must eradicate every
spelling error I make otherwise I'll slay him, and Afghanbashi
must  be very polite to the  readers otherwise they'll see our
true face, how bad evil and hostile we are in reality, and not
like  us (which would mean they'd be clever!). I am the leader
and  I'm the only worthy president  of the e-mag scene! Oh and
yes,  you ask what happened to  Mohammed, well he is member of
the socialist party but he is in reality very capitalistic! So
he is also in jail now, a slave of my government!!

SOME Li'L BiTS O' PROPAGANDA   by Y0SHK@, information minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hello   y'all,  here's  my  1st   article.  I'm  the  minister
o'information  as  ya prolly know, so  what'm  I gonna do? I'm
gonna make sum propaganda for our party's aims. So what're our
aims  and  how'd  I  express them  in  an  euphemistic  way? A
difficult   question   indeed!  That's   the  difficulty,  the
difficult  task  o'every  info minister,  or  let's better say
propaganda  minister...  whoops, I  shouldn't o'said that! But
y'all  know, the media're fucked up,  they only serve who pays
them  money,  which in many countries  is the ruling party. If
it's not the ruling party, well, then the ruling party'll soon
not roole any more. So whadda heck, the ruling parties are all
democratic  parties  anyway,  so  why'd  you  need  change  in
government.  Only with them, democracy can be preserved! So if
ya're  a true democract, ya must  vote for that special party,
i.e.  in case o'my country, the "Revolutionary Cynic Front for
Change  in  the Sense of  Syncretism", in case o'most European
countries, for a socialist party (or, as they use to call them
nowadays,  "social  democrat"  paddy),  in  case o'America the
Democrats  who're very democratic indeed,  and in case o'China
the  Communists... you see, the  Chinese actually are the most
open  and least hypocritical people nowadays! Well, apart from
us  Afghanes o'coz, I mean who  else than shitheads would call
themselves  "Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the Sense
of   Syncretism".  Look  and  think  about  what  this  means!
Revolutionary  means  we wanna make  a revolution, well we did
that,  we fucked everybody else up. We're also cynic, however,
which,  well, means that we have  a pretty dry sense o'humour,
almost sarcastic, and a bit nihilistic anyway - who isn't like
that  nowadays. Then we're a front, so we ain't a party but we
make  use  o'military, o'arms, o'weapons  and so on. We're for
change,  say  the next two words,  so  what change do we want?
change  in  the  sense  o'syncretism.  Means  that  we want to
install  a  syncretist government,  form a syncretist society,
but do ya know what syncrestism means? No - then look it up in
a   dictionary!   Syncrestism  means   merging   o'habits  and
traditions  from  several religions and  actally this is quite
counterproductive  for  a basically  socialist  party as we're
because  socialism  includes  atheism!  That's  also what many
socialist  parties  in the rest  o'the world neglect nowadays,
their  leaders even visit the pope,  and not to smoke dope but
because  they  respect him. Socialists  should be atheists and
atheists  shouldn't  respect  the pope  who's  just a man like
everybody else (except us, because we're the rulers!). They're
really  hypocritical and that's also what applies to us but we
don't  say  it o'course because  this  would open the people's
eyes  and we don't want this. We want to stay in power. That's
it.  We have the support o'the people because they're so naive
to  think we're for democracy and not even that, that we grant
democracy.  Hei,  you'd  read a  bit  o'Marx, then you'd think
differently, then you'd know what we really want. But actually
you shouldn't care because this's better for us!

iMPORTANCE OF POWER       by WL@DiMiR iLYiCH, defense minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
A  quick hello to my readers, here is WL@DiMiR iLYiCH, the new
defense  minister. What do you ask now? I wonder. What my task
is?  Because there are no enemies of  us? Ah! You are a bit...
naive.  Yes,  naive! The contrary is  the case! There are many
enemies...  potential enemies. We regard everybody as an enemy
who  does  not  follow our  orders  absolutely obediently. You
understand?  Yes,  you understand! I  see that! You don't? How
naive  you are... Don't you see,  we want to become the rulers
of  the  world? Yes, that's our  alterior aim! So actually I'm
not  a defense minister but rather  a war minister. But as I'm
member  of  a  party that adheres  to  the socialist values, I
cannot  call myself a war minister. You understand? Yes... no,
you don't. I should not be so naive to falsely assume that you
were  a  critical  and thinking  person.  Look, socialists are
pacifists.  At least that's there outward facade, because Marx
says  something completely different in his theories, but it's
good that most people do not know them. So, what's the matter?
Well,  simple, we must call ourselves defense minister to show
our pacifism, that we only fought justified wars, which people
think  to  be  wars in which  we  are  attacked. In reality of
course every war is justified which we lead, also if we attack
people. But we must not call ourselves, or better, I myself, a
war  minister, because that's an  old term the monarchists and
conservatives  used  and we want to  look better than them. Of
course  the best word for me would be peace minister, but then
again,  this  sounds too nonsense,  doesn't  it? And everybody
would know, even the naivest, that it's simply euphemistic.

E-MAGS AND POLiTiCS                 by Y0SiP, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I've  watched  e-mags very closely lately,  and  I came to one
conclusion,  namely that they do not  serve their purpose of a
platform  of political propaganda well enough. They may be the
spreader  of the word  of extra-parlamentarian opposition from
time  to  time, they may serve  their  government from time to
time,  but  most  of the time  they  are unpolitical, and that
sucks.  E-Mags  are made to manipulate  people  and how do you
want  to manipulate them if you are not political? Politics is
manipulation, as simple as that: rhetorics, nonsense contents,
collective  stultification. iMPH0Bi@ is still  the best of the
conventional   e-mags  because  it   contains  some  so-called
anti-racism  propaganda. But it is true, honest aims, so it is
not  so  good.  A good e-mag should  serve  a bad aim. Like eL
aFGH@N0:  make  people believe they  are  worth doing anything
although  they are not because if  they read our mag well then
they  have  nothing  to do because  it  is actually a waste of
time.  Of  course  they  should not  know  it,  and  it may be
counter-productive  that I said it now  so openly, but I guess
that  you are intelligent enough  that you already realized it
all the same, so I do not really care about this. In any case,
eL  aFGH@N0 is certainly, definitely  the most innovative, the
most  revolutionary e-mag in the whole  world. I am proud that
my  country was to make such an e-mag first, although I should
be  a socialist. But nationalism and socialism get along well.
Just think of Slobodan Polpotovic.

THE SECRET SERViCE REPORTS        by Li0NiD, interior minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hello  my dear friends! I welcome you to my little corner. I'm
very glad that you read it. I'd like to talk to you a lot, but
I can't really do that! You see why, I'm here in a country far
away  from  most of our readers.  But  I'm the minister of the
interior  and  so  I have to  care  for  my country's interior
affairs  most.  But that's not all!  I'm  also the head of our
great Afghane Secret Service (ASS). That's the main occupation
of  an  interior minister, actually,  just  in case you didn't
know  it. Our ASS consists of  three parts, an interior secret
service  (like  Shin  Bet), an  exterior  secret service (like
Mossad)  and  a  military secret  service.  Altough I'm called
minister  of the interior, I'm occupied  with all the three of
them.  In  some  other countries this  is  a  bit different of
course,  e.g.  it's  the prime  minister  who cares about this
stuff.  But  we  don't have a  prime  minister, we only have a
chief  of the junta (and head  of the people's republic). Even
in  the  past,  we  didn't  have  a  prime  minister,  only  a
chancellor.  Well, the difference isn't that great, but it's a
difference.  Don't you agree? That's why I organise the secret
service, and it's very successful. E.g. we have more new great
news  about  Northern Korea. Let me  recite the report to you!
"Kim  Chong-il  visited the 234th  teacher brigade in order to
inform  himself about their productivity.  He was very pleased
to  see their latest achievements,  such as a 100% brainwashed
schoolclass  of  18 children. To  reward  them for their great
contributions  to  the  glorious  North  Koreanian  nation, he
proudly  presented  each of them with  a machine gun and posed
with them for a photo." Okay, okay, you expected that, I know!
But we also have even greater news, e.g. that Kim Chong-il was
visited  by  a foreign  delegation,  some revolutionaries from
Laos.   It's  very  important  for  a  country  to  have  such
informations  because  information  is  very  important in the
western  information  society  which we  want  to establish in
Afghanistan  too.  We know too  that  now Joschka Fischer also
plans to visit a comprehensive school in order to present them
with  molotow cocktails. He thinks that in this way it will be
easier  for  him to pass his  abitur. We learned that from our
cultural attach in kraut-eater land.

                              by MiCH@iL, agriculture minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
....  Sorry ... for setting no topic  ... but ... I really ...
don't  know ..... what to write .. about ...... We ... farmers
...  we cannot speak ....... because  we have to work .... all
the  time  .....  but now we ...  must  not ...... do this any
longer ....... because ... we ... we're in a country ....... a
country dominated by the classes of the working people and the
farmers ... and .... and ..... and we will rule the country in
such a way that ..... nobody must work. At least I believe so.

YiPPiEH YEAH!                       by P0L, education minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I  am very happy - I have become education minister. This is a
very  special thing because, I have no education myself. And I
will  realize  one  thing, that  nobody  alive  will ever have
education.  Because, there is no good education. Everybody who
is educated, is miseducated. That is not good. The miseducated
are   not  worth  to  exist.  We  will  sort  out  every  body
miseducated  from  uneducated. Only  the  uneducated are good,
throw  the  others  in trash. How  to  see who is miseducated?
Glasses. If they were glasses they are miseducated! Even worse
if  they can write their own name,  I mean do like that when I
order  them. Any serious man must  not can do this. The others
are  not  worth. Really, they are  bad, you must believe me. I
know  it  because  my teachers were  very  bad  men. They were
miseducated.  That  is  the  reason.  And  by  eradicating the
miseducated we can prevent COUNTER-REVOLUTION!!



                           Yes! You gave us the cue!
                     Counter-revolution, that's what we do!

                              Uninstall autocracy,
                              reinstall democracy!




THiRD EDiTORiAL                   by Mohammed Napolon, leader
--------------------------------------------------------------
Haha,  Arturo  Ui is in jail! And  I,  I, I am the new leader!
Again!  Very cool! It's cool the people are still unaware that
I'm  as anti-democratic as Arturo! And here are the results of
the presidential elections! :-

        100% Mohammed Napolon, main editor eL aFGHANO
         0% all other candidates

You see, now I'm the president of the e-mag scene! And that is
what I wanted! Thank you my subjects, now I'm going to rule!

-- Sorry  to  interrupt you, Mohammed,  but you know well that
   international  spectators  noticed a  lot of irregularities
   during  the elections. The main  irregularity was that only
   0.1%  of the electorate voted, and this was you yourself...
   So  we  will  need to  hold  the  elections again... Sorry,
   Mohammed,  but I am forced to  attach the votesheet to this
   issue again. Monteverdi, maestro --

GO TO JAiL!                     by Afghanbashi, the coexistent
--------------------------------------------------------------
Now  we're  finished,  with our  cabaret  magazine, I hope you
liked  it. Or not, we don't care anyway, Mohammed Napolon, do
we?  Right!  So see you until the  next issue: eL aFGHANO #4 -
LOST FORGETNESS!
